Subtitle – Soldant versus The Kingdom of The Dicks
Most people would say that I’m a pretty cautious guy. Hell, I’m in healthcare, it pays to be cautious when you’re playing with people’s lives, and ultimately I get more out of living than taking pointless risks. But because I’m not a mindless idiot like your average 14 year old camwhore, I can generally mitigate against most Interwebernet Risks. I played Neurocam for a while, even actually completed one of the assignments (the rest I lied about, sorry guys), but then it all fell apart so I have no idea what Neurocam was actually about. Anyhow, Chatroulette has been getting a bit of media attention lately, and it probably deserves it. The idea is fairly simple; connect to a central server and connect to some random person, where your webcam and audio stream will be shared, if it’s set to allow it. Now anybody who has spent about 20 seconds on the more popular parts of the Internet can already see that this is a recepie for absolute disaster. Of course it attracts every sexual pervert this side of the solar system, so the term “dicks” comes up a hell of a lot, far more than I wish it did. Despite the owners claiming that the site isn’t supposed to be used for guys getting off to a voyeristic crowd of homophobes accidentally tuning in, it’s going to happen whether or not you want it to. There’s a 4chan joke in here but you can fill it in yourself.
Naturally I had to see what the hype was, so I connected. Initially I disabled my webcam and audio feed and just proceeded to connect to different users to see what I came up with. The exact tally is down below, but in general the overwhelming number of users appeared to be bored guys with nothing better to do. Some of them, like me, were just curious and checking out what the hell this site was about. Some people just did things which served no prupose, but were interesting none the less. After a while it became apparent that people (like me) would mash Next if there was no webcam feed, so I decided to SUIT UP and go to town. I put on a dark grey jacket, a gas mask that looks highly similar to the type that the Civil Protection officers wear in HL2, and a Soviet Pilot’s Helm insert, the cloth thing that protects your head. I also angled the lights so that the lenses of the mask were reflecting the light, making it fairly impossible to see anything of me. So if you saw a guy in a white gas mask with a pilot’s hat on, it was probably Soldant, Hero of The Internets. This got a few different reactions. Most were some form of fear; the other user would make a confused, slightly frightened face and quickly mash the Next button. They probably thought that I’d stand up and turn it into a Dick Parade, and I can’t blame them for thinking that because that’s normally how that kind of stuff starts. A few people laughed. One guy even said “Nice!” before leaving. I didn’t do anything, but I did nod and wave to the guy who thought it was cool. All the while I just stared at the screen. So, what did I run into? Let’s check it out…
GHETTO DUDES: 8
There were 8 guys who looked like they were wanna-be hip-hop artists. One of them was smoking something like a Victorian gasworks, and I’m guessing it wasn’t tobacco. Most of them made a face like “Whut?” but one of them was about to break down into some gangster speak. I hit Next pretty quick.
Yeah, it was bound to happen. If you hit Next enough times, eventually you’ll get the bullet and a dick will appear on screen. Each dick here was being furiously stroked by someone’s hand. Really, that’s all there is to it. Too much dick. Also, some of them might want to see their GP.
ATTEMPTED DICKING: 11
Some people were obviously going to go the Dick route, but for whatever reason they screwed it up… haha, screwed. In almost all cases this was because they didn’t know how to aim their webcam (or were otherwise occupied and didn’t notice it pointing away from their intended anatomy) or because I could see where this was going, and I wasn’t going to give them the chance to go for it.
Only 5 girls. If you’re looking for TITS OR GTFO the odds are stacked against you, friend. Of the lot, one was in a bikini and promptly hit Next when I appeared. That said, it was clearly a static image, so your average 4chan Troll is at work here. For those who were wondering if any were good looking, the answer is no.
TARGET UNIDENTIFIED: 5
There were 5 cases where I had no idea if I was looking at a male or a female. There were no landmarks to assist with identification. I have no idea what to classify them as so… they’re Target Unknown.
Some of the feeds are just static images or webcam shots of somebody’s room, normally so that they can avoid showing their face. Either that or I didn’t give them enough time to get warmed up, which is probably a good thing.
Some people write things. Correction – some people write the same thing: TITS PLZ. Both images were people demanding tits. I could show them mine, but they wouldn’t enjoy it.
REGULAR GUYS: 59
The overwhelming majority of users are just normal guys, most sitting there in front of the computer with a headset on. Some were doing stupid things like waving or sitting in a kitchen eating. One guy was in a purple lit room smoking a massive joint while smiling like a madman. Also, there were like 5 cases where it was a DJ looking for a bit of an audience.
AUDIO ONLY: 3
Some people just do audio. Most of the time it’s some DJ playing some music. One time it was some guy arguing with his mother, but it wasn’t in English so I couldn’t understand a word of it.
THE BEST OF THE WORST: 5
In this category I have things that don’t fit into the others; I can’t even begin to describe the point behind them. There are only two worth mentioning. The first was a hairy guy’s chest with a bondage harness in place. I didn’t waste any time before I got the hell out of that one. The next one was a rather interesting image of an aquarium, with some tropical fish swimming around. Next, an action figure (I couldn’t identify who it was, but he was badass) appeared from off screen and was held in the middle of the camera’s FOV. It loitered there for a sec, before exiting the way it had come in. Then the feed ended. Honestly, it was probably the best thing I’d seen all night. Still don’t understand what it was or why someone did it, but it was the highlight of my day.
No doubt this isn’t the last time I’ll go head to head with the sadists of ChatRoulette. Those bastards are just begging to fight with Soldant… well, maybe not fight, but get paired up with me at least. Over the coming DisCONNCET issues you’ll see an update on my ChatRoulette stats, because there’s nothing more interesting to do than to shoot dicks at your head or something. Anyway, see you soon, Internet!